So I’ve had some inspiration this last week to work on my table. I don’t think of myself as an artist at all, just like to try things out when I get bored. At the present I’m doing a Mexican inspired Day of the dead mural on one side of the table. When I get done drawing it out I might color it in before clear coating it. Here are the pics.
I know I shouldn’t care, but I’ve had more feelings for this one chick than I have had for anyone else in my life. I have felt closer to her, and done more for her than I have anyone and it just kills me how she has done me wrong so many times over. As a friend, and when we were dating. She stops talking to me and hanging out with me, my best friend, everytime she starts dating. I just got on my delinquent myspace for some stupid reason and see she’s dating again. Just a few weeks after her abortion, she’s “in love” with some guy “always and forever.” Funny, that’s what she said to me. My heart just dropped, I feel sick at my stomach and I know that I shouldn’t have any feelings for her. I wish I had it in me to hate her because it would make it so much easier. It worked the last time I got her out of my head and I haven’t felt a hole in my chest this big in a while.
One more reason to work harder for this blind date this week. I’m looking forward to at least making a new friend to fill this void. People suck.
So I work in a shitty dead end job in the retail business and find myself being surrounded by the normal ho’s and skanks (that includes people that I shouldn’t be friends with or wouldn’t normally have) that I work with. That’s inevitable. I’ve been looking to broaden my circle of friends to one that includes more people that I don’t work with. Too much drama and talking going on at work, you know its exactly like middle school. Not that I’ve had too much of a problem with any of this recently, its just I feel like I need a damn life and I’ve been to busy to find a better career job when I’m in a perfectly good job that I do damn well and it comes with a fixed schedule. I’m comfortable.
So to where my story was originally going. I have a friend at work named linda, 60, who wants to introduce me to a girl named karen. Karen is 3-4 years younger than me looking to meet an older man. Nice. That’s about all I know. I did get to see a blurry camera phone picture of her on linda’s phone but that doesn’t say anything. Linda’s plan on introducing us is to have karen come up to my work for a “project” looking for cardboard, (karen won’t know I’m supposed to be taking this time to just look her over and also doesn’t know I’m in on it that she’s there to scoop me out). This whole thing sounds like a game, so I have linda give me karen’s number and tell her to get karen’s approval for me to call her. THIS is where it gets BRUTAL. I make the call and introduce myself, her voice giddy and quick. I tell her all about the game linda had setup and why I had just called her instead. She agreed and I followed the conversation to see if she would let me take her to dinner (not meaning right now or tomorrow, just sometime… but i didn’t say that). She responds well I’m very busy I’m leaving town for ### and wont be back until next week. At this point every drop of blood is in my head, ready to explode I haven’t been soo nervous ever. I pretty much ended the call with, “Oh, okay, well I’ll give you a call next week and we’ll get together to have dinner.” Response is a short “okay,” leaving me with nothing to say but “alright, talk to you later.” I’m soooo lame. Fuck.
Of course I had to wait a few minutes, but i texted her apologizing for the strange call and that I was extremely nervous. She said no big but the damage to my ego is done. I feel like an idiot, and feeling kinda virginal (thats the best lame word to explain also considering the lack of dating I’ve been doing lately) I say that jokingly. I’m not sure what’s to come of this, but its something new to my life and is breaking up the Boring. I just keep telling myself.. DON’T FUCK THIS UP!
From one of my favorite bands, some of the best lyrics I’ve heard ever.
From First to Last – Featuring some of your favorite words
words don’t seem to come so easy
when I need them oh so badly
here’s to playing tug of war with my vocal chords
maybe I can give this another
shot or sing about a broken
heart, or immitate the way it feels
if this was happening for real
this distance seems closer
when you shove it in my face
this moment has left me with nothing else to say
I’m losing my interest with these empty pages
they’re torn they have frayed edges
this dusty book
is botheres by my rusty eye and I can’t see
no, I can’t breathe
put me on the next page outta here
to live forever on this paper
capture this void and fill it with the frenzy in my voice
killing time by drawing face that stare back at me from the margins
in a sea of 8 and a half by elevens
I’m drowing in…
treading through run on sentences
and sinking into empty text
ill swallow the salt
and spit a few dry words out
this distance seems closer
when you shove it in my face
this moment has left me with nothing else to say
I’m losing my interest with these empty pages
they’re torn they have frayed edges
this dusty book
is bothered by my rusty eye and I can’t see
no, I can’t breathe
put me on the next page outta here
to live forever on this paper
capture this void and fill it with the frenzy in my voice
no matter what I say, no matter what I write here I’m sick of always lookin at this page with a blank stare
you never seem to know, and they never seem to tell you
words don’t always come as easily as you might want them to
throw this paper into fire and take me with it
just take me with it
throw this paper into fire, into fire, yeah
throw this paper into fire, into this fire
throw this paper into fire and throw me with it
just throw me with it
It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog, I’ve been around and have made a few different header images. But really haven’t had anything on my mind to post. I’ve been bouncing ideas around in my head, trying to think of something creative to do. So far I have re-painted my end table from flat black (signed and drawn on by my friends in various colors of marker) into a sunset mural that I will be adding to with stencils or hand painted objects of similar meaning to me.
It’s you not me.. can anyone see?
It’s not the meds, and I’m not crazy.
Help me please, anybody!
Tell me right now I’m not crazy!
Two friends. That’s how many ‘close’ friends I’ve lost this year that have ended our friendship because they think that I’m crazy, bipolar, and self-centered. I do nothing but devote all my time to them, listening and doing favors. I talk about myself only when they asked and somehow I’m self-centered? This has been a shitty year for friends. I started the year off with a suicide attempt but I can say that was the last time and I know now what I have to live for. I’m a better and stronger person than they are and I get more out of life. Call it jealousy or what have you but they don’t know how to live. Their lives center around drama and mine around relationships. Its funny taking vacations, I see how negative everyone is in this small town that I live in, it must be the water. I felt great on my trip to vegas, missouri, florida, everywhere there is more positive energy. Fuck this place its time to move out. Maybe my blog will become more cheerful. LOL.
Its funny and tragic how I have songs or inspiration hit me when I’m somewhere I cannot jot it down and as usual my memory mixes things up and lets slip what I try to remember. Perhaps I tried to hard, this time instead of running out of the shower to my journal I tried repeating the song to myself out loud several times. But each time something different. It all started with a slow bass line in my head, then light drums, then guitar. It’s a shame you can’t hear or read it like it’s supposed to be, and the fact that I will not remember tomorrow what it sounded like. (Today is one of the days where I am glad I can feel this extent for emotion and even more happy that I have a means to capture it) Here is what I managed to get down, kind of different from what I first rehearsed.
I’m running in circles
Because of your lies
And I’m wasting my time
Leaving dreams where I lay
So here’s to today
To my final mistake
You’ve left me again
No more tears to be waste
Though I hoped and I prayed
I’ve lost all my faith
And with life’s many turns
I’m sure I’ll find my way
how is it so hard to find decent friends, people who actually care or atleast tell you when they don’t care. I’m a blunt person, I think that being truthfull is the key to strong relationships. How else would you understand me if you don’t know how I truly think or what I like and dislike? Why is it that words of love and forgiveness the most forsaken and abused words? I hope this week to find an a means to making new friends, so that I can cut ties with the people in my life that are causing me such grief. Don’t want to go back to college but it seems that it would be the best way to meet people my age, maybe if i take at least one class? If anything I just need a social life outside of work. ideas?
Added a page for you to view/comment/request/vote on my header images. I would like to know which one best suits my blog or which one you like the best. I will be adding them as I make more and am willing to make some for anyone not proficient enough to create their own. Let me know what you think.
